Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Posted by Jennifer L Hart
I've been in a bit of a slump lately. Just one thing after another piled up on my shoulders until I go squish under the weight of it all And floating above me like some sadistic specter is my constant need to prove myself as a writer. It whispers, what have you written today?
And the answer enrages me. Nothing. Not a blessed thing. And then I feel worse because the pressure builds to produce something, anything until I'm frantic. It's an awful feeling.
You know what else is awful? Getting my taxes done. I turned a 5 figure profit last year. Which on the surface is "Yay," right? That's like validation that I'm on my way because I'm making money. Think again. After expenses and paying taxes my "profit" is less than 2K or roughly $41.00 a week.
I'm spending more than that trying to undo the physical damage of Butt In Chair, Hands On Keyboard, all day every day. And I have to ask myself, Why do I even DO this? Is it worth it?
Yes, yes it is. Because I love it. These worlds I create, these characters that move me to tears, the first rush when you know it's true love, not between your protagonists, but between me and them, knowing that they are first and forever mine.
Oh sure, there are aspects that suck, and not just the money. Formatting and tech hiccups that give me a migraine. Miscommunications with others in the industry and feeling naked if I don't have my cellphone close at hand. The seemingly endless supply of trolls lurking around, just waiting to dole out bad reviews. The endless parade of people who don't understand/ look down on my job because I'm not contributing to a 401K or doing something that requires a W-2. Books I love and carve off a piece of my soul for that don't sell and a sea of rejection that never, never EVER goes away. You never really "make it"as a writer.
No, being a writer makes me. My books install feelings that run the gamut from hot and bothered to needy and hungry for more until the fire to write burns hot enough to engulf you. That feeling is what is worth all the rest, because I'm like an addict, I want my next fix.
Writing is where my passion lies. It is the core of who I am. So I will take that measly $41.00 dollars a week and buy myself something pretty or put a tank of gas in my car and drive somewhere that inspires me. Because that's why I'm here.
How about you, what brings passion to your life?