REAL FRIENDS DON'T DO THAT! By Maree Anderson (for Writers Gone Wild)

Hi y'all,
I've heard people comment that YA high-school-set stories with mean girls and gossip and bullying are purely fictional. Hah. Think again. We're living it.
Daughter (DD) is in first year of high-school -- or Year 9 as we call it in New Zealand. She's a bright kid. Her teachers generally like her because she likes learning stuff and she pays attention -- or at least, as much attention as you can expect from a hormonal teenager who's starting to really get interested in boys, LOL.
In the past, DD has made friends with one like-minded girl, and they've stuck with each other through thick and thin -- classic BFF kinda stuff -- at least, until her BFF ends up being sent to a private school. (That's happened twice now, and each time, my heart breaks for her. Hard explaining to your kid that you just can't afford to send her to the same school as her BFF.) Anyway, I hoped that this year, when she fell in with a group of kids, she'd make a bunch of friends and have an easier time of it.
Silly me. I'd forgotten just how toxic a group dynamic can be.
DD is what her teachers call a potential leader. And if a "leader" means not bowing to peer-pressure to date because she doesn't feel ready, then yeah, she's a leader. If a leader means a kid who stands up for others who're being bullied by the self-proclaimed leaders of the group, then she's absolutely a leader. If a leader means not only comforting a friend who's devastated by the crap that's gone down, but speaking up and calling the other girls on their bitchy behavior, then yeah, she's a leader for sure.
Unfortunately for DD, standing up for yourself and others, and not taking any crap from girls who get away with it because they're "popular" and they rule the group, has pinned a target of monumental proportions to her back.
She's been the subject of a really nasty letter that did the rounds of half the school before it finally got given to her. She's been treated like a pariah -- takes a seat in class, and the girl next to her will get up, make some bitchy comment, and find another seat. She's been hauled out of class to attend a counselling session to "sort out her issues". (She was signed up for this session by the same girls who wrote the letter.) Pretty stomach-churning stuff to arrive at the counsellor's office, wondering what the heck it's all about, and see five girls -- including one she stood up for -- all sitting there, ready to take her apart.
Thank god she stood up for herself and refused to attend the session. She told the counsellor that she wasn't going to stand for being ambushed -- her words, not mine -- and if these girls had anything to say to her, they could say it one-on-one, to her face, instead of spreading lies and gossip. The counsellor agreed. (And I was damn proud of her. How gutsy is that for a 14 year old?)
Since she would not let me wade in to help her sort this out (and honestly, there probably wasn't much I could do, other than send her to another school), my advice has been to get the hell out of "the group" and find some new friends to sit with at break times. Why the heck would you want to hang round a bunch of girls who obviously have it in for you? Who needs to be dealing with that sort of crap every day? These are not your friends! You deserve better.
But she stuck it out because there was one kid in the group that she really believed was her friend. They walked home together. They went for walks after school. They hung out at weekends and talked about boys and stuff. DD's provided a shoulder to cry on many times when this girl's been going through crap at home. And DD really truly believed her friend would stick up for her if things got really dire -- like DD had done for her.
And when DD finally reached breaking point and ditched the group -- much to my immense relief! -- she hoped this friend would come with her.
Wrong. Turns out this girl is sticking with the group. She would rather say nothing when she's picked on, pretend everything's okay when it's not, and watch other kids' lives being made a misery, than leave. Worse, she's trying to convince DD to come back and be part of the group again. "Not everyone hates you. You've got me -- I don't hate you. I'm your friend!"
Yeah. Right. DD has a "friend" who'll choose to sit with the group at lunchtime and pretend she hasn't spotted DD sitting on her own. DD has a
friend who'll watch and say nothing while these "popular" girls who think they can do what they like, to whomever they like, rip DD's self-esteem apart. DD has a
friend who'll repeat what she says in confidence to the other girls, in the guise of "just trying to tell your side of the story". DD has a
friend for whom belonging to the group -- even if it means being treated like dirt, yelled at, sneered at, and gossiped about -- is more important than anything else.
And boy, is it hard to explain to a young impressionable teen, who wants so desperately to belong and to believe the best of people, that sometimes you've just got to let friends like that go. Because truthfully, they're not real friends at all. Because "real" friends just don't act like that. At least, not in my world-view!
Daughter is devastated. I'm devastated on her behalf. Sheesh. It sucks to be a mom when you have to watch your kids hurting, and you'd dearly love to confront these heinous little brats and take them down a rung or three. But as much as I wish it could be otherwise, I can't fight this battle for her. She has to either choose her friend and "conform" and play by "the rules" so that she'll be accepted, or choose to turn her back on her friend, walk away, and live by her own rules.
I sure hope it's the latter. Because then, she truly would be leader-material.
Cheers,
Maree